We’ve all been there. You’re at the school gates, clutching a damp PE kit and a lukewarm latte, trying to coordinate the week’s playdates and birthday party invites. It sometimes feels like we need a PA to organise them all. But for many mums in our community, the “social” side of primary school looks a little different. For parents of children with autism, an invitation to a party or a casual “hop over after school” can often come with a side helping of anxiety. Will there be too many bright lights? Will the food be “safe”? Will my child be understood?
April is Autism Acceptance Month, and while many of us feel we have an awareness of what autism is, there is often a gap between awareness and action. Most of us want to be the kind of friends who include everyone, but sometimes we’re held back by the fear of saying the wrong thing.
The truth is, being inclusive to our neurodivergent friends doesn’t require a masterclass in psychology. It just requires a little bit of kindness and a willingness to ask the right questions. Helping to ensure every child gets a seat at the table (even if they’d prefer to sit under it for a bit while they decompress).
If you’ve ever wondered how to make your home, your child’s birthday party, or even just a trip to the local park more inclusive, this one is for you. Let’s talk about how to plan an autism inclusive playdate.
Re-think the playdate
One of the biggest things to consider when planning an autism inclusive playdate is communication! Speak to the child’s parent so you can plan the playdate beforehand and make it as comfortable as possible. Here are some questions you may want to ask:
- What do they like to eat? Are there any no-go foods?
- Do they have a particular toy they love at the moment? (So you can see if you have anything similar you can get out ready)
- Is there a signal I should look out for if it becomes too much?
If you aren’t confident asking these questions, you could always do it over WhatsApp. Once it’s written down you can check before popping into the shop for snacks. Here’s an idea of how to phrase it:
‘”Hi [Name]! [Your Child’s Name] would love to have [Their Child’s Name] over for a play soon. We were thinking of keeping it low-key at our house on [Day] for about an hour.
We want it to be a chill time for them both, so please let me know if there are any favourite snacks we should have in, or if there’s anything that usually makes things easier (like keeping the TV off or having a quiet space ready). No pressure at all if you’re busy, but we’d love to see you both!”
A quiet place
All too often when we organise playdates, they end up being at a soft play or trampoline park. I don’t know about you , but I find it wildly overstimulating and feel like I want to pull my own ears off! For some children with autism the noise and chaos of playdates like this may not be something they can manage. Some children with autism prefer one on one activities, and the soft play can seem like the equivalent of a heavy rock concert. If the weather is good, what about a local park where there may be a quiet area if needed. Perhaps a play date at home or in the garden, the child may feel more comfortable with their parent there, or perhaps at their own home in familiar surroundings.
Think about keeping the playdate short and sweet. If inviting a child with autism ask them if their child prefers shorter playdates. Or perhaps suggest ‘We’d love to meet 10-11 for the kids to play, no pressure to stay longer than that but we can if everyone is still having fun’. Also remember children with autism may cope with playdates better at certain times of the day.
Safe space
If having the playdate at home, consider creating a safe space. You don’t need to convert your living room to a sensory haven, but a small quiet area can make the world of difference. It can be an area or even a little pop up tent if you have one. This shows the child and their parent that they are welcome in your home.
Communication is key!
When planning an autism inclusive playdate, make sure you consider communication. Sometimes it can be beneficial for you to provide clear instructions. Rather than, ‘let’s tidy up’ it may be worth saying, ‘please can we put the cars into the blue basket’ for example. Sometimes the children may look as though they aren’t talking to each other or playing together. In some instances this is because children with autism can prefer parallel play. They enjoy planning in the same space as others, but enjoy playing with the toys on their own. Be ready to reassure your child if needed.
Have a conversation with your child beforehand about what to expect from the playdate. If the child’s parent mentions behaviour such as stimming, it can be beneficial to normalise this beforehand. Stimming is a tool that some people with autism use to process excitement or calm their nervous system. There are many different ways of stimming, the child may begin rocking, flapping their hands or making repetitive noises, as a few examples.
Party time
We’ve spoken about inclusive playdates, but what about parties? They are often are the highlight of the primary school calendar, but the usual chaos at children’s parties can be a sensory minefield. You don’t have to cancel the bouncy castle to be inclusive though. Often, it’s the small, thoughtful tweaks that turn a “maybe” into a “yes” for an autistic guest.
Top tips for making your child’s party inclusive
- When you’re sending out the invites (whether it’s a paper slip in a book bag or a WhatsApp group), add a tiny bit of extra info. Knowing what to expect is the best way to lower anxiety. Try adding: “There will be a bouncy castle and music, but we’ve also arranged a quiet side room if anyone needs a break from the noise.
- For many neurodivergent children sudden bangs can be quite distressing. Think about whether balloons are the best decoration to use – they aren’t great for the environment either! If you are going to be using party poppers consider giving a warning so people can step outside if needed.
- Party bags! I’m not a fan of party bags, usually due to the plastic tat that adds to landfill. If you are going to have party bags, consider adding things such as crayons, pencils or fidget toys. Most kids seem to prefer fidget toys these days anyway.
- Party food is quite often beige, which can actually be great for those with autism. Ask parents if they will be ok helping themselves to food or whether they would prefer it pre-plated for example.
- One of the kindest things you can say to a SEND mum at a party is: “We’re so glad you came, even if it’s just for ten minutes.” Make it clear that there is zero pressure to stay for the whole two hours or to join in every game. If they leave before the cake, it’s not because they aren’t having fun—it’s because they are leaving on a “high” before a meltdown happens. That’s a parenting win, and acknowledging it as such is a huge support.
Be a villager!
While this article focuses on how to plan an autism friendly playdate, we should also think about the woman standing next to us at the school gates. This is a great opportunity to add to yours and their village. Parenting a child with autism in a world that isn’t always designed for them can be tiring. Supporting a fellow Mum doesn’t require you to be an expert, just a friendly, approachable face.
We’ve all been there in the middle of a supermarket seeing a child having a meltdown, for children with autism it goes beyond that. They are most likely experiencing a sensory or emotional overload. Rather than casting a sympathetic look, offer a kind smile and ask if there is anything you can do to help.
Keep asking. Sometimes it can be difficult for parents to put their children in situations they know may be difficult. Over time the invites start to fade if they keep getting turned down, keep asking but let them know there is no pressure to attend so they know they are still welcome.
It can seem like the natural thing to do, to support someone struggling by reassuring them. Be careful not to compare your experiences with theirs if it downplays their situation. ‘My boys are always doing things like that!’ Remember to celebrate wins no matter how big or small. For some parents, their child trying a new food, or getting a hair cut can be a massive milestone.
Finally…
Remember inclusion isn’t just for the month of April. It is about creating a more inclusive environment as much as possible, and leading by example for our children. So, next time you’re planning a get-together, take that extra five minutes to have a chat or send that WhatsApp. It might seem small to you, but to another mum, it might just be the highlight of her week.
