As you look at yourself in the mirror, you may feel you look different from what you expected. Not just the tired eyes and mummy hair, but perhaps you don’t recognise yourself anymore. You may not know who you are anymore. That’s because matrescence can make you feel like a stranger to yourself. This is no reflection on how much you love your children, i’m sure you would move mountains for them. However, in the midst of night feeds, school runs and an endless washing pile, you have lost who you used to be. The good news is that this is completely normal – it’s just not that well known!
If you are currently grieving your freedom before children, your career focus, or even perhaps just the version of you that used to brush their hair every morning. You need to know, you are not a bad Mum, and you are not alone. Some people feeling this way jump to assume they have postnatal depression. While this may still be the case, matrescence could perhaps be playing a part in the way you feel. We are all familiar with adolescence and how this can affect emotions but matrescence is not spoken about nearly enough.
What is matrescence?
Pronounced muh-tress-ence. The journey of having a baby doesn’t end when you give birth. It continues into early motherhood and all the changes you go through, this is matrescence. Although so many experience it, it is still not spoken about enough in conversations about parenting. The word was put forward in the 1970s by Dana Raphael, and it is something we are only coming to recognise more widely now. It describes the complete physical, emotional and social transition into motherhood.
Remember those teenage years? When you turned 13 nobody expected you to wake up on your birthday with a new body, new set of priorities and a sound mind. Everyone understands adolescence. It’s recognised that there are changes within the body and mind and your new emerging identity. You were probably given some time and patience to adjust as a teenager. When you become a Mother, you are expected to deal with all these changes immediately whilst looking after a newborn.
When you feel upset at losing your old identity, you aren’t failing a test. You are simply navigating a huge change and evolution. If you feel this way be patient and kind with yourself.
How could matrescence make me feel?
There are many things you can experience if you are going through matrescence. Everyone’s journey is different and it is important to realise that. It is good to recognise what this can look like. Quite often Mothers may assume they have postnatal depression, which can still have a negative association – even though it shouldn’t. It may be hard to differentiate between the two, but sometimes knowing that the way you are feeling can be explained can help to deal with it.
Identity
Matrescence is characterised by identify conflict. Your life changes dramatically overnight, let alone during the time you were pregnant. It can be difficult to know who you are once you become a Mother. When I had my children, I completely stopped reading. I used to say to myself and others that I didn’t have the time, and forced that ban upon myself. In recent years, I have realised I can make the time to read. It was something I always enjoyed prior to having children and now it is something I enjoy again. When you are thinking about your life before children, don’t automatically assume there are things you can no longer enjoy. It may still be possible – even in a slightly different way.
Mood
Another characteristic of matrescence can be ups and downs with your mood. You may find that you experience many emotions jumping from joy to sudden sadness. Shocker – our bodies have just been through the most amazing, traumatic experience of our lives and we don’t know how to feel about it. Not knowing how to feel is normal, as is crying at tv adverts!
Feeling drained
Another sign of this transition in our lives after having a baby is feeling drained. Again, this is something that usually comes hand in hand with having a newborn. Not only have we grown a whole person over the last 9 months, we then had to get them out! That is physically draining, not to mention how tiring the overwhelming emotions can make us feel. Let’s add night feeds and disrupted sleep to that and anyone would have bags appearing under their eyes.
Relationships
As well as trying to find out who you are now, you need to know how the new you fits into relationships with others. This not only includes your partner but your family and friends. You may expect them to see you in a certain way, and may be worried about how they see you and what they think. It can be a worry that some friendships may drift as you no longer do the things pre-baby you did.
You may begin to doubt yourself, seeing others you feel are thriving, can make you judge yourself harshly. We are usually our own worst critic, and as women I personally think we are particularly guilty of this.
Reading through this article I am hopeful you can see that this transition is something that most mothers will go through following the birth of a baby. It is not an illness or a condition, it is purely a transition.
Why having a baby can make you lose your identity
It can be easy to blame ourselves for feeling lost. Other Mothers at playgroups and on social media can make it all look so easy – as though they are naturals. This can make you reflect on yourself and wonder what you are doing differently. Everyone is different – and that is fine. Just know these changes in yourself aren’t because you couldn’t be arsed to do what you did before. It’s actually due to biology and science!
During pregnancy and during postpartum a woman’s brain undergoes several changes. Nature means that your brain comes hyper-focused on your baby’s survival and safety. This leaves less room in your brain for pre-baby you, and passion and thoughts.
Prior to having children your time was your own. Want to pop out to the shop? Easy. Now though you have to time it with feeds, naps and nappy changes. When every minute of your day is dedicated to keeping a little person alive, your autonomy disappears. The things that used to make you you get pushed to the side.
We live in a culture that has promoted that Mothers must dedicate their whole life and their everything to their children. Doing anything for yourself can seem selfish. Don’t get me wrong, there is a big push on social media for mothers to prioritise self-care, however that looks for them. Change takes time though. Your child deserves to know you as a person, and your interests and hobbies are a part of that.
Grieving your pre-baby life is allowed
One of the heaviest burdens of matrescence is the silent guilt that comes with it. This should be the happiest time of our life right? In many aspects it is, we feel an overwhelming sense of love and pride when we look into the face of our gorgeous baby. An hour earlier though we may have been crying in the mirror because none of the clothes that helped define who we are before children no longer fit. Forced into a world of shapeless maternity wear for far longer than we thought we would be.
The transition into motherhood is not discussed enough. So this grief for our pre-baby life can be seen as being ungrateful for what we do have. We convince ourselves that if we were a good mother we wouldn’t miss our life before becoming one. In reality these two things can totally run alongside one another.
- You can be incredibly grateful to be a Mother.
- You can miss the woman you were before becoming a Mother.
Missing your old life does not make you a bad Mum. It just means you are a human. Ignoring this grief doesn’t make it go away. Acknowledging it is an important part of this transition, healing and weaving parts of the old you, and new you together. It doesn’t mean you love your family any less.
How to deal with matrescence
I know, I know, we don’t even have time to drink a hot cup of tea let alone rediscover your identity. It sounds daunting, and something else to add to the never ending to do list, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Just remember you aren’t trying to go back to how you were before you had children, instead you are looking at how you can evolve to include this into the new part of your life. Here are 4 ways you can work on learning to find and love the new you!
Evolve not reclaim
The goal isn’t to perfectly claim back your pre-baby life. Your life has changed, and so have you. It’s more about keeping parts of you that are important and your character and fitting them into your life as a mother. I mentioned earlier that I started reading again when my children were about 7 and 8. It took me all that time to get back into something I loved doing. Audio books made that accessible for me, and now I always have one on the go.
15 minutes for you
Re-think self care for yourself. It doesn’t need to be a kid-free weekend at an expensive spa – although that would be lovely! Can you give yourself 15 minutes of time a day just for you? Use this micro break to do something that feeds your mind, listen to a podcast, read a chapter of a book or a hobby. I appreciate this can be difficult, especially for single parents, but protect this time fiercely – you need it! Do not use this time to do things around the house.
Chance to rediscover
While you are dedicating this time to yourself, use it as an opportunity to remember things that used to bring you joy. Or use it as an opportunity to try new things! You may not be able to go trekking in your 15 minutes but you can certainly use it to plan routes and pub stops on the way!
Don’t feel guilty
If there’s one things us Mums do well, it’s feeling guilty! We quite often feel we have to justify our time away from our children – guess what – we don’t! You’ve heard the expression, you can’t fill from an empty cup? Well guess who does exactly that every day – Mothers. Take the time for yourself without needing to justify it to anyone. This isn’t a selfish act, but a vital mental health need. It will lead to you being a more patient and present parent.
Let’s talk more about matrescence
As with adolescence, matrescence isn’t something you just get over. It is something that changes and shapes the future you. If you currently feel like a stranger to yourself, remember you are in the thick of it. The old you is getting ready for a more wise, resilient, stronger version.
You will find your stride again. You will be able to see beyond the snacks and bedtime routine but it may not look like it did before. That’s ok though – it’s actually quite a beautiful thing. You are so much more than just a Mother – You are a whole, complex, evolving woman who is also raising tiny humans the best you can. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself while you work out who the new you is.
The only way to make more people aware of matrescence is to talk about it. Is this something you experienced? What did you love to do pre-baby? Share your thoughts in the comments below in case you can support another Mum going through the same.
