How to be more positive
Recently I have been moody, and generally down in the dumps, and I don’t like it! I knew I needed to do something, and so I began to look into how to be more positive. My thinking was if I could change my mindset to a positive one then I would feel happier generally.
I have to say there is nothing in particular making me feel down. It may be due to a number of things. The big 40 is looming closer and it may be that I am becoming peri-menopausal. I also had the mirena coil fitted at the beginning of the year. I wonder if this could be playing a part. Perhaps it could just be that I am suffering from overwhelm. I have recently started working an extra day at work in a more senior role.
No matter which of these are affecting my mood, there is nothing to lose from trying to become more positive. So I set about looking for tips and advice on how to be more positive. I set-up this website to help other mothers, and so wanted to share with you what I found. Hopefully, you will find this useful.
Benefits to positive thinking
If you are wondering what positive thinking can do for you, here is what I found. There can be many benefits for thinking in a more positive way as documented here. These include: reduced rates of depression, better coping skills and a longer life span. Yay! These all sound like good reasons to be more positive to me.
Besides this, it can help to improve your relationship with yourself. Being more positive can increase your self-love and confidence. This in turn has a positive impact on your relationships with others also.
Positive thinking doesn’t mean burying your head in the sand and ignoring issues. It also doesn’t mean that negative things won’t happen in your life. What it does mean is you are better able to handle these situations and issues. It also means you will be less likely to dwell on things afterwards. We’ve all had moments where we have replayed arguments and disagreements in our head. Reflecting on them in a more positive way means you are less likely to beat yourself up over it.
Tips for being more positive
The first step to being more positive is being aware of when you are experiencing negative thoughts and feelings. This is not always an easy thing to recognise. It is worth it when you are able to recognise them though. Negative thoughts include those about yourself, as well as more generic ones. Recognising these as negative means you can acknowledge them and put a positive spin on them instead.
One of the best ways to be more positive is to recognise negativity and the common signs of it. This will put you in a better position to then deal with it and become more positive.
Put pen to paper
Sometimes it can be useful to write things down, positive and negative. Then you can easily see the good things that have happened in your day. These may well outnumber the negative ones, but it is the negative ones that fill our mind, even if they are in the minority. There can be a number of small things that are positive, you just need to look for them. ‘The sun was shining, your dog snuggled up to you, the kids didn’t complain about dinner’ If your negatives are outnumbering your positives start to look for positive things within your day.
The blame game
You may find that you blame yourself for everything that happens, or make issues bigger than they really are. It seems to me as though a natural trait of being a mother is that you blame any situation on yourself. As though it is your responsibility to remind someone to take the rubbish out, or your child to take their reading book into school. Encouraging your children or partner to take more responsibility is beneficial for them, but also means you are less likely to blame yourself if things don’t go to plan.
Something a lot of Mum’s are guilty of is wanting everything to be perfect. Setting unrealistic expectations may lead to failure. Yet as Mothers it is something we do most days, getting out the door in time for school each morning is one of my unrealistic expectations 🤣. Try to be realistic in your expectations, you then won’t be disappointed and experience negative feelings from it.
Also remember that sometimes there are grey areas. If you are used to thinking of everything as black and white, remind yourself there are often a range of things that could have happened in a situation. The path you chose wasn’t necessarily the wrong one, it was the one you thought best at that moment in time.
Could not should
One of the biggest things I learnt about being more positive is a 3 letter phrase. ‘Could not should’ During an empowerment session with Claire, an amazing life coach. She helped me to change my perspective on things. I was finding some of my negative thoughts were due to me thinking I should have done a particular thing. This could be as simple as doing the hoovering. I would think to myself, I should have done that today and then become cross with myself. Claire taught me to rephrase that in my head. I could have done the hoovering today, instead I chose to ……… This may be going out and spending time with my sister, or relaxing on the sofa with a cup of tea. Whatever it was changing that perspective helped me to see things in a more positive way. It means I no longer need to fret over the small stuff not going to plan, and that is quite liberating.
Help positivity flourish
As mentioned previously, take the time to notice positive things in your every day life. You can then begin to be grateful for these things, no matter how small. As you begin to acknowledge the positive things around you every day, the more positive you will feel!
If there are particular people who encourage and inspire positivity within you, try to spend more time with them. It can be difficult to minimise time with those who make you feel negative, if this is possible, then consider spending less time with these people.
Smoke and mirrors
One of the biggest things I have come to realise over time is that social media can be a huge part of people’s negative thoughts and feelings. We spend too much time comparing ourselves to perfect, flawless women, with stylish, beautiful houses. While many certainly do live this social media perfect lives, it doesn’t come without it’s worries and concerns. We just don’t see them.
Remember, there was a time the successful stay at home Mum, may have been eating beans on toast as she didn’t have enough money for more than that. She just didn’t show it. The beautiful flawless women may have less than perfect skin under the make up. She just doesn’t show it. What we see on social media is often the heavily filtered lives of those we do not know. If any accounts in particular make you feel negative, unfollow them so they no longer show in your feed.
Self care
Self care is definitely the buzz phrase at the moment, there are articles about it on this site! It doesn’t mean you have to spend an hour a day going for a run, or meditating or even a spa day. While all of these things are great, they may not be self care to you. Earlier I mentioned about setting realistic expectations, and it also applies here. Think about what self care really means to you, it may be something that only takes 5 minutes, but is something you really enjoy. Try to see smaller things you do in the day as self care if they make you feel happy. If you have dropped the kids to school, come back and have a cuppa whilst reading a few pages of your book, or playing games on your phone. That is taking some time for you. Buying yourself a new hand cream that you love the smell of, is self care. If you break it down into smaller things, you will be more satisfied when you achieve them, and not see yourself as missing out. Which you aren’t self care is what you make of it. Of course if you get someone to watch the kids because you need a self care day then you do that 😉
Sleep
Sleep? What is this mystical thing you talk of? I get it, sleep isn’t easy when you have young kids. Sometimes older ones too, as you lie in bed awake waiting for them to get home safely.Trying to get good quality sleep is important. I am all too guilty of wanting some time to unwind once the kids are in bed and will often be up until midnight. Try to have an earlier night a couple of weeks if you can.
I also feel like I never fall into a really deep sleep as you always have an ear listening for a child’s voice in the night. Disturbed sleep can sometimes be worse than having a few hours of undisturbed sleep. Try to get your children into a good bedtime routine to help them sleep earlier and through the night – I know this isn’t easy, I’ve been there. Accept there will still be times your kids need you in the night if they have a nightmare or are unwell. If this happens, accept it for what it is and try not to dwell on the fact you have had a lack of sleep.
If you have a partner, take it in turns to say you will get up if the kids wake up. Knowing someone else is listening out means you can allow yourself to fall into a deeper sleep. If you struggle to fall asleep, listen to some meditation or hypnotherapy videos on YouTube to help you.
I have recently started listening to this particular video when falling asleep. I haven’t yet made it to the end before falling asleep.
Be your own best friend
Think about how much you hype yourself up! As humans many of us seem to hate doing this. We don’t recognise or celebrate our own achievements. Think about something you have done, and if it was your friend or relative, what would you have said to them? Now say this to yourself, celebrate it.
While on this note, speak to yourself as you would a friend. You would most likely not say negative things to your friend about their appearance, home etc, so don’t do it to yourself. If what you are thinking is too unkind to say to others then don’t say it about yourself, even in your head!
It’s all words
Listen to the inner voice within your head. I know for me I tend to think of things in a pessimistic way. If something is too hard, I think to myself this is too hard. I need to re-programme myself to recognise it as a challenge and find ways to overcome it. Change the way you think of things to change the way you view experiences. If you don’t like visiting places you haven’t been before of trying something new, instead of thinking ‘I have never done this before’ think to yourself ‘What a great chance to find somewhere new, or try something different’ These small changes in thoughts can lead to big changes.
Be kind
I have spoken about being kind to yourself, but remember to be kind to others. Smiling at a stranger, complimenting someone on their hair or outfit can make a huge difference to their day. Seeing others happiness is infectious and you won’t be able to resist smiling with them.
Finally
Remember these changes are not going to make a difference overnight, it is still something I am having to consciously work on. After years of having negative feelings and thoughts about yourself it is going to take a while to get out of the habit. Making a conscious effort to be more positive each day will ultimately result in you having more positive feelings than negative.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t experience any negativity in your life and it is unrealistic to expect that, but you will definitely be in a better position to deal with it.
Please share your experiences on your journey to becoming more positive in the comments below, it’s so helpful to know we are not alone on this journey. I’m sure you will have many tips I haven’t found in my research
Sophie x
