What do Mothers need to know about INCEL? If you have seen the series ‘Adolescence’ then you may be wondering what is INCEL? You may be thinking what do I need to know as a Mother? I’ll admit, as yet I haven’t watched the series. Others have spoken to me about it and I have seen things about it online that say it is a difficult watch. Being a Mother to two boys myself, I initially decided to bury my head in the sand about it. As I started to see more and more things on my social media about it I decided to look into it.
This is an upsetting topic, and I did get upset when researching it. Being a Mother to 2 boys you begin to wonder what may happen in their future. As well as that, you worry for women or girls that may be targeted by INCEL’s. As scary as this may all seem, be reassured that this is a small group of individuals and there are ways you can prevent your children becoming involved in it. If you are a parent to girls, you should be aware there is an even smaller group known as FEMCEL who are less threatening, but still worrying nonetheless.
Mothers need to know about INCEL. Although it is a relatively small online movement there are real concerns beyond that. It raises worries over young men’s mental health and relationships. In some instances this can lead to radicalisation. By knowing about the INCEL movement and recognising early behaviours, as Mothers we can help our children to avoid it. A real positive we can take from this is to prioritise young men’s mental health.
What does INCEL mean?
Incel stands for involuntarily celibate. The individuals who use this term consider themselves unable to form sexual relationships with women, despite wanting to. They feel this is partly due to the way they look, and deem themselves to be unattractive. However, they may feel they are entitled to relationships and sex with women considered to be on ‘their level’ of attractiveness. They feel these relationships are wrongfully denied by women.
It is felt that most women are attracted to a small group of men. They only want to be with the best looking and richest men. These men are known as Chad’s. Due to this there is a deep-seated hatred towards women, in particular ones they deem the most attractive.
The INCEL group began as a supportive online forum for young men. More recently it has turned into a male dominated subculture. It plays a part in the Manosphere. Which is a wider group of men’s right and anti-feminist groups. The main focus of INCEL is resentment, blame and hatred directed towards women. There is a sense of entitlement, that they are owed sexual relationships. There is a sense of victimhood, and that society is to blame for their lack of success. Feminism is felt to be the main reason they are unable to succeed in life.
Most of the young men involved in the INCEL group are lonely, isolated and there are many suffering from depression and even suicidal ideation. The vast majority are not violent or dangerous, but in some very rare cases it can lead to tragic situations. One such example was Elliot Rodger in America who killed 6 people and injured 14 more because of his links to INCEL. He is now idolised within parts of the INCEL culture.
Words used by the INCEL community
One of the things you may see if you search INCEL, is the idea of different coloured pills. This represents how open people are to the ‘truth’ of INCEL.
Blue pill – Ignorant to the ‘real’ world as INCEL’s see it.
Red pill – Awareness of the world as INCEL’s see it, and that female oppression is a myth.
Black pill – Means you believe the red pill ideas, but don’t believe society will ever improve and so life for INCEL’s will never get any better.
As well as this there are a number of other words used by the community.
Chad – A ‘Chad’ is someone who is tall, good-looking and desirable to women. Essentially the opposite to an INCEL.
Stacey – A ‘Stacey’ is a very attractive woman who could have her pick of men but is only interested in Chad’s.
Becky – ‘Becky’ is an average looking woman, INCEL’s may believe they are entitled to a sexual relationship to these women as they are inferior to Stacey’s.
Normie – An average person who is pretty mainstream and doesn’t follow INCEL ideals.
Looksmaxxing – Maxxing relates to improving something about yourself to become more attractive. There is also gymmaxxing and other terms.
ER – This relates to Elliot Rodger who committed murder, and is often referred to as ‘going ER’.
Using these terms does not automatically mean that someone is an INCEL. If these are used consistently and there are other worrying signs then this could indicate you need to intervene as a Mother.
Red flags for Mothers to look out for
As a parent we want to protect our children and knowing what to look out for can be really important. They may need support from you, and it is important to know where to get help from. This is covered further down in this article. Please note one or two of these signs on their own does not mean that your child is an INCEL. Sometimes teenage boys are just being teenage boys!
Firstly, look out for changes in their behaviour. This may include:
- Sudden changes in mood, behaviour or personality
- Becoming secretive, isolated or withdrawn
- Expressing self doubt, low confidence or negative self image
- Losing interest in hobbies
- Isolating from existing friends and developing lots of online friendships
- Increased frustration or anger
- Blaming women for things in their life, or an interest in conspiracy theories relating to gender
Their online activity may change, watch out for:
- Spending excessive amounts of time online, mainly in forums rather than gaming
- Becoming secretive about their online activity
- Unhealthy fascination with violence, weapons or extremism
Listen for changes in language and what they are saying. As well as listening for words used by INCELS watch out for how they are talking about women, the tone and the words that are being used.
A lot of these behaviours are typical teenage boy behaviour and doesn’t mean your child is interested in INCEL. If you have concerns though and notice these signs, there are a number of support services available to you.
What to do if you think your child is involved with INCEL?
If you think your child is involved with INCEL they may need your support. It may be they have issues with depression and self image, and it’s important to get them the help they need. Getting them support will not lead to them getting into trouble but accessing the support they need.
If you do find yourself in this situation, remember you are not alone. There are other parents going through this, or that have been through it in the past. If your child is still at school or college it may be worth reaching out to the safeguarding team there. They will be able to help you and signpost you to sources of support. If you think your child may be suffering with depression or something similar there is some great advice on the Mental Health UK website. The Mind website also has some useful support information for parents and teenagers.
If you are worried that your child may have been radicalised then you can contact your local police department who can advise on next steps. You can also contact Act Early, who can advise whether a referral to the Government PREVENT scheme needs to happen. If you have concerns that anyone is in immediate danger then please call 999.
Preventing INCEL as a Mother
As a parent we want what’s best for our children, as they get older the challenges of keeping them safe changes. Once they enter the online world a vast wealth of information is available to them, good and bad. It isn’t always easy to protect them from everything they may see. Here’s what you can do to help prevent your child being pulled into the INCEL community.
Try to create a safe space for open communication. When having discussions, try to listen more than you talk. This will help them to share their thoughts and feelings without judgement. It may be good to ask open questions so that they have to give more than a yes or no answer. Acknowledge their struggles and help them find solutions.
Try to build resilience within your teens. There is a theory around the 7c’s for building resilience and as a Mother it is something you can help support and nurture. The 7c’s are confidence, competence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control.
Make sure they are aware of good internet safety, this is taught in schools but is something you can help support. Try to teach them how to look at information critically and work out what is valid or what may be manipulative. Set realistic boundaries with online time. If a younger teen you may want to consider parental control apps of software. Encourage hobbies and friendships offline to minimise time spent online.
If possible, from a young age try to have discussions around healthy relationships. If possible, try to model healthy relationships and think about language you may use around them. Promote healthy masculinity and challenge toxic masculinity, highlight positive male role models within real life or the media.
Finally, what do Mothers need to know about INCEL?
Know that you are a good Mother! Looking up information like this shows you want the best for your child and want to protect and nurture them. Remember you are not alone, if you don’t have a village around you, as many of us don’t, remember there are online resources and sources of support you can lean on. This isn’t all on you either, educating children about these dangers and supporting them requires more than just us. There needs to be awareness and support from schools, the police, government, charity bodies and society as a whole. The more open people are about these situations the less taboo it will become.
The INCEL movement is a small problem within the UK and realistically is not something you are likely to encounter but it is good to have awareness of it. If you have any further places of support please do feel free to reach out in the comments and share with others. Remember to take care of yourself too, here are some useful tips on self-care when you are a parent of teenagers.
